and hopefully it helps you as much as it helps me.

TODAY’S STYLE THOUGHT:

Appreciation v. application : Not everything is meant for you.

I’ve said this about trends but, I think it runs deeper than that if you are a true lover of fashion.

When you consume, absorb, study, appreciate and love fashion it can be very easy to get pulled in every direction. Your closet can start to look less curated and become dysfunctional- unable to support your actual needs.

I might sound like a broken record but, it bears repeating-
the only way to have a closet full of things that are reliable (meaning you feel good in them 9 out of 10 times) and a true reflection of your style is
TO KNOW YOURSELF.
and in the case of fashion admiration, this becomes even more important.

It makes the art of discernment easier…
Being able to objectively decide based on a subjectively response.

I’ll use myself as an example.
First, something I wore and second,
something I didn’t buy:

This is me, pre-2020 in Milan before a night at La Scala (how fancy and fun). I really wanted to experiment with juxtaposition - the mix of feminine and masculine, with casual and dressy.

While I’d say I achieved the overall goal, I failed when it came to implementing it in a way that fully embraced my personal style. Even though I love (and still love) this style of dress, I’m not a tulle, A-line kind of gal. Had I worn a sleeker navy blue dress in maybe a satin or silk with this jacket… It would’ve been a 10/10.

The next is something I decided not to buy:

This stunning Costarellos dress is something that stopped me in my tracks.
The fabrication. The mix of velvet and lace. The color.

After sitting with the overwhelming feeling of WOW for a few minutes, I decided this was just appreciation.
In no way would the application address my needs and personal style.

I don’t wear lace. Nor do I prefer incredibly warm, rich colors. I do not attend events whether dinners or parties or weddings frequently enough to buy this. I don’t normally prefer a sleeve that billows. And that higher neckline would make my already short neck look even shorter.

But the old me? I would’ve purchased it in a second.

I hope everyone has a great day.
(Also, please, someone buy that dress and make sure to show me. It’s so beautiful.)

xx,
Jenn

I grew up in a big brick colonial with white pillars and a gently curving path to the front door.
It had a brightly lit sunroom off the living room - 3 of the 4 walls were lined with windows - where my sister and I would watch tv after school.
Our living room had a baby grand piano and an ornate white sofa and every Christmas my parents would rope some friend or relative into dressing as Santa. He’d sit in front of the fireplace and take gifts out of his velvet bag for every child that came for Christmas Eve dinner.
I remember running from my bedroom to my parent’s room, jumping on the bed and watching my mom go into her walk in closet from the bathroom to get ready in the morning. I loved that closet. Even as a child I thought, “I want a closet like that when I’m older.”

The memories I have of that time, in that place, are joyous ones.
It’s also where my parents told us they were separating and soon after, we had to move.

But even still, I loved that house.

So when I had the chance to walk through it again, you can imagine my excitement.
But also…
Nervousness?
Were there memories I had been suppressing? Unhappy moments that I had chosen to forget?

Upon entering, I was immediately underwhelmed.
I can’t say the feelings were bad, or good, but I can’t say I was indifferent either.
I can only describe it as detached. Analytical.

Because the way the current owners decorated the house was so vastly different than what I grew up in that I questioned if I even grew up there.
Clutter. Chochkis. Things upon things upon things.
The living room that was once so elegantly styled by Mom is now painted with butter yellow walls and contains 3 sofas, 5 chairs, a leopard print ottoman with pintucks and ruffles so large I think 3 grown adults could comfortably sit on it.
Ornate gold mirrors here.
Bird printed upholstery there.
A room with salmon pink walls. A parrot adorned chandelier in a bedroom. Mustard, blue and red plaid drapery.

It got me thinking about how important it is to style, furnish, decorate, layer with intention.
To be as deliberate as possible.

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There’s just something about going oversized-
the effortlessness and ease but also...
a bit of rebellion.

In a world of relentless female objectification... the oversized fit says, “not so fast”, thwarting the notion that formed and fitted is the only way to be feminine and sexy.

But it can be hard,
ridding ourselves of programming that tells us:
1. to show it all to be sexy and
2. we should try to be sexy at all.

I think it’s worth unpacking.

Read more

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Have any specific questions or topics you’d like me to address on these topics? Let me know!

Looking forward to chatting about wide legs, design, parties and much more!

Hope everyone has a great day.

xoxo,
Jenn

Girls trips.
Girls nights.
Girl dates.

I feel like I’m constantly being bombarded with photos, videos, think pieces, memes, quotes about the importance of female friendship.
And I’ll take it one step further-
the girls trips,
girls nights,
girl dates with 10+ women?
How do you have so many friends?

Look, I get it.
Women are the best.
Girls rule. Boys drool.
I agree.
It’s just fucking hard for me.

To be fair, I have valid reasons.

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It’s only been a month and I’m already slacking off when it comes to my Substack.

The truth is,
this shit is hard.
Not like, saving lives as a doctor hard.
But I hope you know what I mean.

Being disciplined and laser focused when there isn’t a deadline, boss or “reason” to is not for the weak.

I’ve noticed it’s even harder for me when I have a lot on my mind.

So instead of going through it alone, I thought I’d share it with you.
Maybe you’ve thought similar things.
Maybe you can help me through it.
Maybe you’re going through completely different things and I can help you through it.

Anyway, let’s do this.

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(Popularized by Vanity Fair) I thought, what a fun way to get to know each other. Read my answers and leave yours in the comments!

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
   Days spent in a space and place that make me feel both inspired and at peace, doing everything or nothing at all with confidence and ease, with the people I love.

2. What is your greatest fear?
   People truly knowing/seeing me and passing judgement. And losing what I love in a fire.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
   I care too much what others think.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
   Rigidity.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
   Ryan Coogler.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
   Travel, specifically beautifully designed hotels.

7. What is your current state of mind?
   I’m feeling a push-pull between optimism and pessimism. I’m excited about my future but my perimenopause is wreaking havoc on me, body and mind.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
   Perseverance. Or, at least the way it’s described, prescribed and applied in today’s society. There’s this idea that we need to push through anything- disregarding the signals our bodies, minds and intuitions are sending us. It’s silly and harmful.

9. On what occasion do you lie?
   To myself. Constantly.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
    This is a slippery slope for someone with dysmorphia. It changes daily but, if I had to pick one thing… it would be my very thick, short neck.

11. Which living person do you most despise?
    Any person who is divisive… who is contradictory and contrarian just for the sake of it, who believes their beliefs (especially in the religious realm) somehow make them more righteous and deserving than those who believe something different… the living person I most despise lives in a way that disregards, belittles and demeans the lived experiences of others - especially when those experiences don’t support their world view… I could go on, but I think you catch my drift.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
    An ability to be self-deprecating (and meaning it).

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
    Every quality. Because women are superior.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
    ”please”, “literally”, “no”

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
    What- my creativity | Who- my husband

16. When and where were you happiest?
    Milos, Greece. July 2024.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
    Natural persuasion (my brother in law could sell ice in winter. I admire that).

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
    That I can think of a dozen things I would like to change … that is the one thing I would like to change about myself.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
    I don’t think I’ve achieved my greatest achievement yet… stay tuned.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, who/what would it be?
    A boulder towards the top of a mountain that sees the seasons change and occasionally interacts with people.

21. Where would you most like to live?
    Wherever my loved ones are… or Milos, Greece.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
    My unlimited capacity for compassion.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
    A world where common sense, intelligence (including emotional), and humanity are lost.

24. What is your favorite occupation?
    Trust fund baby.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
    My hair.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
    They give me space when I’m overstimulated with no conditions.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
    Eli Wiesel and… ugh, JK Rowling (her transphobia is devastating to me), Dr. Jaiya John

28. Who is your hero of fiction?
    Edna Mode.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
    Cleopatra - a woman who was misunderstood and underestimated (not that I think I’m known for my beauty, but that I place a lot of importance on what I wear/what I look like… sometimes leading to people being surprised that I care deeply about other things. Even though I take issue with the characterization that aesthetic endeavors are automatically vapid and unimportant).

30. Who are your heroes in real life?
    Women.

31. What are your favorite names?
    Georgia & Eleanor (my dogs’ names), Loewe… Jil Sander… Bottega Veneta…

32. What is it that you most dislike?
    I dislike a lot of things for different reasons and therefore equally. Today, I hate when people dislike things / refuse to like something just because it’s popular or because other people like it. Annoying.

33. What is your greatest regret?
    Giving up ballet. And I’ll regret that until I take my last breath.

34. How would you like to die?
    Quietly, peacefully in my sleep, preferably at the same time as my husband.

35. What is your motto?
    Mind your business (but if you must, gossip quietly and privately with your friends).

I mean it, leave your answers in the comments!

I hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

I’ve always gone through periods of struggle:
to leave the house.
move my body.
write.
do anything other than remain motionless in a horizontal position.

When you grow up with ADHD, this is the norm.
You go through periods of intense, all consuming, manic focus. You get a lot done. You feel energized, alert and alive. You can sit for hours working on something - forgetting to eat, drink or use the bathroom. The dopamine high is extreme.

So is the dopamine crash.

Periods of decision paralysis and inability to motivate always follow. Getting out of bed feels impossible and the idea of “accomplishing” anything leaves you anxious and overstimulated.

It’s not laziness. It’s not indifference. It’s chemical.

Somehow, it’s worse now.
Now that I’m perimenopausal.

I put my head on my pillow one night and haven’t had a restful sleep since.
Whether it’s the frozen shoulder that keeps me up.
Or the hot flashes.
Or the cold flashes.
The anxiety that causes my heart to race.
Or my tired mind reeling.

Mood swings. Irritability. Sensitivity to sound and smell. Irregular periods. Hormonal acne. Skin is itchy it’s as if a million bugs are crawling all over me. Hair loss. Brittle nails. Brain fog. Migraines. Dizziness. Joint pain and muscle soreness. Fatigue.

My ADHD has made my perimenopausal symptoms worse.
My perimenopausal symptoms have made my ADHD worse.

I’m still in the weeds,
in the thick of it,
trying to figure out different ways to work with my body and not against it while also being an adult that has responsibilities and getting shit done.

For the most part, it’s been taking the tricks I’ve learned to eliminate the extreme highs and lows of my ADHD, and amplifying them.

Here are some of those tips and tricks:

Your best day starts and ends with sleep.
If I don’t get a “good” night’s sleep, I’m toast. Done for. DOA.
And even though it’s gotten increasingly hard to sleep more than 4-5 hours a night, when I do these 4 things consistently, I notice I wake up more rested:
1. Juna Sleep Gummies | I’ve tried other “sleep aids” that didn’t work for me. Specifically, anything with a high melatonin content leaves me feeling groggy when I open my eyes in the AM. The Juna Sleep Gummies help me wind down and they taste amazing. I take them 30-45 minutes before I want to sleep.
2. No phone after 9PM | This has been a trial and error process. I tried 8PM but that was too early - especially because my ADHD means I do most of my brainstorming / creative thinking at night. 10PM was too late - my mind reels for anywhere between 60-90 minutes even after I’ve turned off the lights and gotten off my phone (and once I get my second wind around 11:30PM, I’m up for hours).
3. Noise cancelling ear plugs | If you sleep in the same bed as your partner and they are particularly noisy… do yourself a favor. Buy ear plugs. I got mine from Amazon and they’ve made a huge difference.
4. Background noise | Sometimes I need this before I pop in my ear plugs. I cannot use music - it’s too stimulating for me. Sound machines can make my brain run. Sleep stories get me hyper fixated on what’s coming next. For me, I like to put on a show or movie that I’ve watched multiple times and set a timer on the TV to shut off after an hour.

Supplemental Assistance.
1. HRT | I was on a cream, now I use a patch. I cannot stress this enough : hormone replacement therapy is worth it. Within a month of starting HRT, I noticed my mood stabilizing, my acne clearing up and my body feeling less achy and sore.
2. Creatine | My mind feels sharper. My workouts feel less like a chore. Research has shown how important creatine is for women - especially during peri and post menopause. I use this one: Thorne Creatine
3. Juna Sleep Gummies | (see above).

Front-load the Work.
This is something I’ve done since I was in HS and it is, by far, the one thing that has helped me as I navigate perimenopause. It’s simple: Work (and I mean WORK) when you’re having a good day- when you feel motivated, alert, alive, refreshed, physically fit and mentally agile. Get as many things done as you can (within reason, of course) because you know the day(s) is coming that it’ll feel impossible to do anything.

Set Alarms.
Another trick that I’ve done for most of my adult life, except now I even set alarms for things like urinating, drinking and eating. Whether it’s from ADHD burnout or perimenopausal brain fog- it’s guaranteed I’m forgetting something. Setting alarms has helped prevent things from falling through the cracks. There are some days I have 20+ alarms set.

Implement A Safe Word.
My husband and I came up with a “safe word” that we can use when we’re feeling overstimulated and need some quiet time, specifically when the other isn’t at “fault” or the cause of the anxiety. I’ve started doing this with close family and friends, too. And while it does depend on your loved ones being open, respecting boundaries and not taking things personally - it’s lessened the mental and emotional toll I carry when I’m on a roller coaster of emotion.

You’re Doing The Best You Can.
Remind yourself of this daily. And multiple times a day if you need it. Especially when you’re feeling like a lazy, unaccomplished slug… when you look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person staring back at you (where did these wrinkles, dark circles, pimples and bald spots come from).

If you’re going through this-
I understand you.
I feel you.
I’m with you.

I hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

We’re jumping right in.
This is the Due North definitive guide to planning a trip - from the questions that begin the journey, my booking timeline(s) and other considerations for foolproof execution and a guaranteed good time.

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Booking flights? A challenge I accept.
Itineraries? Give me an hour on Canva.
Planning excursions? I’ll do the research.

While booking timelines are important, we have to start with the most basic question when planning:

Do you know thyself?

And by that I mean…
Do you know yourself well enough to plan a trip that’s 100/100 every. single. time.

Are you replicating a travel itinerary, making dinner reservations at a popular restaurant or booking an excursion based on stylized photos you saw on social media because it reflects your preferences and goals of your journey?

The best travel plans require you to know yourself.
It’s the only way to distinguish between joyful inspiration and mindless replication.
It’s normal to see an aesthetically pleasing image or video of a hotel, a city, a store or breakfast spot and inquire.
But not every space should speak to you.
And not every place is meant for you.

After years of hearing people say, “you’ll love Miami” , I planned a trip for my husband and me.
While we love a sunny location (especially during the winter months- we get several feet of snow every year) and a place that has things to do, I had always been indifferent to visiting. But, as someone who finds inspiration in design and architecture and cannot be at rest in a hotel or rental the doesn’t have a nice bathroom… when I stumbled across the Esme Miami Hotel online, I knew we had to book it.

I did some light planning - a couple of dinner reservations and spots I wanted to check out for lunch but, I allowed for a lot of down time so we could explore the city, sit by the pool and sleep.

The trip should’ve been a success.
The hotel was as beautiful as it looked online.
Bathroom clean, bed comfortable.
The restaurants served great food.
The beach was pristine.

But it wasn’t.

While I would never describe any travel as a “waste”, I could’ve saved a lot of time, money and energy had I been more considerate about my preferences.

The truth is,
we simply are not “Miami” people.
We don’t do the nightlife scene (we’re normally in bed around 830PM every night). Most of the time, we want a vacation to be 75% relaxation, 25% exploration and given our hotel’s location, there was always noise.
I love a good designer purchase but, when we travel we want to stumble into stores with pieces that seem unique and buy from independent artists/designers.

I knew all of this.
But still we went.

This is what I mean about knowing yourself-
confidently saying “no” to a trendy destination or popular attraction and, more importantly,
being okay with the fact that not everything will be for you.

If you wouldn’t pick New York or San Francisco as places to live, why would you plan trip after trip to big, crowded cities?
If you hate sitting still, lounging all day with no plans and nowhere to be, why would you book an all-inclusive hotel an hour away from anything to do?

When I find myself lost or being pulled in all directions,
unsure of where I want to go or what I want to do,
I sit back and reflect on the last trip I took that felt really rewarding. I think about what I liked best about where I went, what I did, what I saw, what I experienced and, if it applies, things I would do differently.
It almost always points me in the right direction.

For more specifics, you can check out my questions and timeline post here:

HAPPY TRAVELING (and planning) and
I hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

I dabbled in makeup as a teenager but never with any sort of Joie de vivre.
I lacked the stamina, willpower and quite frankly, the sort of reckless abandon one needed at that time to work through the tragic Dream Matte Mousse era of my teens and the painted on eyebrows popularized in my 20s. And a skincare routine? You're lucky if I washed my face in the shower with body soap.

When I entered my 30s I decided it was time to grow up.
The only predicable thing about my skin was that it was starting to show signs of aging.
Going to an event or a night out with my husband spiked my cortisol levels- I didn’t know if my makeup would hit or miss.
I knew I had to commit, wholeheartedly, to the trial and error process I (somewhat) successfully avoided in my youth.
(And I use the word “successfully” loosely. I’m being gentle with myself. See exhibit A below)
I wanted the process of getting ready, on the worst days, to feel simple.
On the best days? A privilege and something I looked forward to.

(There’s a lot to unpack here. The eyebrows, the foundation and concealer that didn’t match my skin, the hot pink lipstick…)

For me… that meant coming up with a routine.
A system of products and application that was reliable, tried and true and free of guesswork.
I knew if I could get to that point, it would make experimentation feel less scary.
It would allow me more room for creativity in the end because I wouldn’t be struggling with the basics.

When you feel like you’re starting (or starting anew) from square one it can feel like a daunting task.
But, these are some of the questions I asked myself when putting together my beauty system:

1. What is the overall vibe you want to communicate?

2. What role do you want makeup and skincare to play in that messaging?

3. How much time can you / are you realistically willing to spend?

For me, I realized how simple it was.

1. A slightly elevated “I woke up this way” kind of vibe.

2. Not much.

3. Not much.

That sounds silly.
But it’s the truth.
For me, my everyday routine needed to be simple, whether I had all the time in the world to get ready or was in a time crunch.
I wanted my makeup to be light, almost negligible and skin-like.
I was (and most of the time, am still not) unwilling to devote a lot of time to a 7-10 step skincare routine and a full face of makeup.

From there, it was research:
If I saw a photo of a makeup look I liked, I saved it (even if the products weren’t listed). A before and after of skincare? Immediately went to the website. I watched copious amounts of makeup tutorials.

And then… experimentation:
trying different products and applications.
I made a promise to myself to wear makeup at least 4 days a week because as we know…
Practice makes perfect.
It was messy and embarrassing, sometimes my skin looked great, other times… not so much.

But as the days turned to weeks
And weeks to months
I realized getting ready became easier.
Because I was taking care of my skin, I needed less makeup.
The makeup I used went on smoother.
The process of applying went faster.
And feeling I had my “everyday” look down to a science made trying new things less scary and more achievable.

I’m almost 40 now.
(My 30s were far better than my 20s. If it keeps up this way? Woo. I’ll be living my best life in my 40s)
My skincare routine takes me 5 minutes.
My makeup routine 10 (it used to take me over 10 minutes just to fill in my eyebrows).
I have a system in place that perfectly complements my lifestyle -
What I wear, my goals, the message I want to communicate, the time I’m willing to commit.

So if you’re looking to get started
Or looking to restart-
Answer the questions above, start your research and begin experimenting.
It gets easier. I PROMISE.

And if you love a minimal makeup routine, I’ve listed the products I use below and other beauty lessons i’ve learned as an added bonus.

Shop these products here: Jenn’s Beauty Blueprint

HAPPY APPLYING!
I hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

But why certain things work and others don’t is far less interesting to me than why I felt/feel like I need(ed) the product in the first place.

What does it do to the person who has low self esteem or doesn’t know where to start when the conversation is constantly centered around MORE -
more products, more application, more youth, more beauty.

How do we determine what is enough?
How do we straddle the fine line between enhancing and disguising?

Read more

One of my favorite things to do when planning a trip is scheduling a day with absolutely no plans so I can wander around-
taking things in at my own pace,
photographing / videoing sights and scenes that catch my eye.

It’s crazy but, when I don’t give myself time to do this, my trip feels…
Less complete?
Like I’m missing out on something?

I want to feel the vibrations of a place.
How other people interact with one another and their surroundings-
whether natives or visitors.

Anyway.
Here are some shots from my time in Morocco.

I hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

P.S.
I really hate the look of the image gallery.
So individual photos it is.

Every month I’ll share an overview of the content you’ll see in the four weeks ahead.
Like a map key, color coded for clarity.

STYLE GUIDE

YOUR CORE EDIT
Style systems: putting together your uniform.
Capsule wardrobes are a scam… at least in the way they are described today.
There is no one size fits all formula for buying pieces, styling an outfit and building out a wardrobe that is authentic and personal.
That said, I believe there is merit to putting together a core edit of items in your closet to make getting dressed an easier, more exciting and rewarding process.
For me, my core edit consists of 10 items: 5 pieces and/or styles that are my most worn and 5 pieces that excite me.
And no… these aren’t always the same.
But it’s important to have both. Because your style can (and should be) both comfortable and inspiring.
This month, I’ll go through my 10 items - how & why they made the cut and tips for building your own core edit.

Schedule a Styling Consult

BEAUTY GUIDE

BEAUTY BLUEPRINT
Beauty systems: figuring out your signature look.
If you are a Millennial and have PTSD from the makeup of the early 2000s (I’m talking the Dream Matte Mousse foundation in a shade too light or too orange for our skin), you know how scary it can be to apply makeup. On top of the trauma of our childhood face painting… our skin is changing (hi, perimenopause / menopause) and we’re figuring out how our beauty goals can align with the message we want to send.
This month, we’ll navigate beauty goals, building your arsenal of go-to products and why I think everyone benefits from a beauty blueprint - a reliable signature look that is tried and true.

Subscribe to my Youtube

TRAVEL GUIDE

THE TRAVEL LOG
Travel systems: Foolproof journeys
If you’re anything like me, you believe that travel (both big and small) is an important part of life… and you live for the challenge of planning the perfect trip. While it can be time consuming, it doesn’t have to be stressful. The journey to the destination makes the arrival even more sweet. This month, let’s talk all things travel planning.

Follow me on Tiktok

WEEKLY MOOD

What I’m listening to: Find Someone Like You - Snoh Aalegra
What I’m watching: Louis Theroux: Inside The Manosphere (Netflix)
What I’m reading: AI can generate copy. It can analyze date. It can optimize funnels and write code and build entire campaigns in minutes.
But it doesn’t have taste.
Taste is the thing that makes someone stop scrolling. It’s the reason one brand feels premium and another feel generic. It’s why some founders build audiences that actually care and others just accumulate followers.
Taste is a mix of judgment, curation and intuition. It’s knowing what to include and what to leave out. It’s the photography you choose. The colors in your brand. The B-roll that makes your content feel cinematic instead of rushed.
-Matt Gray (@matthgray)
What I’m eyeing: Helsa Magda Dress , $528 | Do I need a dress that is $500? Probably not. But I know I’d wear this everyday in the spring and summer.

What I’m buying: Juna World Nightcap Sleep Gummies, $37-$42 | Perimenopause has really disrupted my sleep. I’ve been using these for over 3 months and I’ll never go without them. I fall asleep more gently and stay asleep longer.

Hope everyone has a great day.

xx,
Jenn

It’s been a journey to arrive here.
Physically and mentally.
I’m learning to let both my body and my thoughts take up space.
And that has never come easy to me.

I was born in Seoul, South Korea to a teenaged girl in 1987.

At 3 months old, I traveled across oceans and continents to arrive to my parents, Anne & Ed.

I didn’t know I was adopted until 2nd grade when a classmate exclaimed “your parents don’t love you as much as your sister, chink.” I came home in tears and it was then my parents sat me down and explained adoption and racism.

There’s only so much you can grasp at 8 years old. But whatever I couldn’t understand… the world made it its mission to educate me.

(I promise Due North won’t be as heavy as this introductory post.
I don’t know, maybe it will be.)

And so I learned very early that I was “different.”
I know- we all feel different.
It’s just that my different was inescapable. It was the first thing that entered a room. It announced itself before I could say a word. It garnered attention both positive and negative… an Asian girl in a white family, in a white community, in a white nation.

That said, I still view my childhood through rose-colored glasses.

I grew up upper-middle class and my parents worked hard to give my sister and me the very best they could. My childhood bedroom was baby blue with ballet slipper wallpaper along the ceiling. My bed was adorned with so many stuffed animals I could hide underneath them. I had a pair of ruby red slippers, like Dorothy’s from the Wizard of Oz, that I wore all summer until they disappeared-
turns out, Dad threw them on the roof because the clacking noise became unbearable.
I don’t blame him, I’m sent into orbit at the sound of loud chewing.

And if there’s something I can’t remember?

Well, there are dozens of albums and shoe boxes filled with photos that Mom took throughout the years to remind me.

I think that’s where my love of the visual started.
She would argue it was something innate- I was coloring inside the lines the minute I could hold a crayon in my hand.
But I wish she’d give herself more credit. She’s always had great taste, an “eye” for the aesthetic and a love for beautiful things.
It definitely rubbed off on me.

Like I said before… people didn’t care that I didn’t want to be “othered”, to constantly have my familial relationships questioned, to be sexualized before I even got my period. My Asian-ness was thrust in my face in small(er) ways- a fellow classmate tugging on the corners of their eyes or saying “ching-chong” as I walked past, and in big ones- men following me in public asking me for oral sex or being menacingly told I should “go back to where I came from.”

The outside world felt volatile, unsafe and unpredictable.
So I found refuge in a good book, a movie, a show.
I started drawing and painting.
Eventually I picked up a camera.

And as I got older, I found myself drawn to fashion magazines - the clothes, the glossy spreads, the models, the “self-help” (if we can even call it that… I have no interest in ways to ‘keep my man happy’ anymore, I want ways to keep myself happy in a world on fire).

The goal was to escape.
And I did.
And I still do - but I’m trying to be better about trying to outrun myself.

Because you see, almost every passion I have as an adult began as a way to hide.

Personal style became the way I:

1. Determined the narrative: “You will notice my clothes before you notice I’m Asian” and

2. Concealed the narrative: “My clothes might say I have confidence but I am so deeply insecure and scared that I’m willing to do anything to be seen and not heard”

(Which, by the way, I actually hate being seen, too. I’ve coined the phrase: “look but not see”, meaning, look at me but don’t SEE me because that’s too intimate. I’ll have to save that for another post.)

Beauty became the way I changed the parts of myself that caused me grief and distress- I paid hundreds of dollars for strip lashes and then eventually, lash extensions. I went tanning. I colored my hair blonde.

Travel became the way I made everyday life seem more exciting and, honestly? Bearable. Flying here and there, trying to go to this popular place and that viral space. But I’d come home and feel empty.

Because (and I know this goes without saying)…

No matter what I wear, what products I slap on my face or where I journey too, I’m taking me with me.

During COVID, I did a lot of inner work.
And during that time I realized two things:

1. You don’t like yourself and

2. Cut that shit out.

I realized that I had been shrinking myself so much that I could feel it manifesting physically.
That I was unable to be fully present in any happy moment because of how vulnerable it made me feel for people to see me joyful.
That I couldn’t and shouldn’t hide.
That I wanted to use my voice in a way that might help others.
That I wanted better and, quite frankly?
I deserved better.

So here we are.
Me and you.
Maybe we know each other.
Maybe we don’t.

I said in the beginning of this post that taking up space has never come easy to me.
And it still doesn’t.
But DUE NORTH is a way I’m proactively changing that.
I’m treating it like a muscle -
the more I flex it- the stronger and easier it will get.
Hopefully.

But, while it’s certainly a space for me to indulge-
creatively and emotionally,
I want this to be a place that serves you.
I want you to walk away from our time together (whether a 1 minute read or a 20 minute one) feeling like you got something out of it.
I want you to learn something about fashion, beauty, travel, lifestyle…yes…
But I also want you to learn something about yourself-
Whether it’s developing your personal style, finding a new beauty routine or maybe-
realizing that a more fulfilling life is one you can create for yourself.

Again,
I promise every post won’t be this… dramatic?
(You’re seeing how quick I am to minimize myself.)
But I wanted you to know me and understand that the things I’ll talk about here are DEEPLY personal-

From the curated shopping lists to the products I use to help me navigate perimenopause to the ways I plan a vacation and everything in between.

So if you’ve made it to the end.
Well,
You deserve an award.
A virtual high five.
But really-
A sincere, heartfelt thank you.
I’m truly so glad you are here.

Now let’s do this!